Whenever I get home from work, the first thing I do is make a quick meal for myself after parking my car. I heat up leftovers to give myself enough nourishment, making sure not to overeat or I risk temporary insomnia. Once I finish my meal, I rush to my sleeping outfit and head straight to bed. That doesn’t mean I go to sleep though.
My mind enters a labyrinth of thoughts, as if a galaxy has formed from all my thoughts, including thoughts that I have suppressed from years ago or ones that I piqued my curiosity but never had to time or energy to revisit. My labyrinth of thoughts is as vast as the ocean, spanning great distance and depth. Every day, I wind up in a different place of thought. For example, today, I thought about my insecurities with starting a romantic life. Yesterday, I thought about how work can turn a smile into a frown in a matter of seconds. The day before, I thought about what kind of house I want to buy one day.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t as emotional as I would like to be. On the outside, I am indeed a flamboyant guy who knows how to use his words to make you spit your drink out while you are trying to swallow it down your throat. On the inside, which I keep away from most people, is my ability to go deep in thought, sometimes drowning myself in them.
How does it feel for me to be surrounded in my own thoughts? Well imagine this. You are more than 20,000 feet below the ocean, with sunlight not being possible to illuminate your surroundings. You are surrounded with neighboring jellyfish, with each jellyfish representing every unique thought you possess in your mind. Factor in jelly fish traffic like San Francisco foot traffic, pre-COVID times, and there you have it. A radiant ocean full of jelly fish. Some jellyfish illuminate bright colors to remind you of good times, while some jellyfish illuminate dark colors to remind you of bad times. If my mind was an aquarium for everyone to see, I would have been richer than Jeff Bezos by now.
In addition to that aquarium of jelly fish, you have several species of squids/octopi zooming through you, and those remind you of traumatic events that you went through. All of a sudden, you suddenly become paralyzed in shock, thinking about that situation and reliving it as if it just happened in front of your eyes. The squid didn’t even spit ink on you, but its waves of movements are enough to distort your physical balance while underwater. I suddenly felt the dystopian ability to go back in time and see how I could have changed the situation that happened if I saw it coming.
For example, last Wednesday, I worked until 2:45 AM. Almost 13 hours of working. I could have brought that amount of hours down to 11, had I didn’t underestimate amount of work that was being left for the next day. When I was on dating apps, I wish I can unsee certain people. But the only thing I can do is learn how Mariah refers to someone in particular as a “female entertainer.” The experiences that my matches have gave me were at best, better suited for those that have different expectations than me. I still vividly remember being berated for wearing rainbow before going to Pride in 2015. My dad called me abnormal, and I felt like this was a slap on the face that I can never fully forgive. Had I known, I would have stashed all my pride materials in a duffel bag to safeguard my emotional safety. Not too long ago, I had a one night stand, and then I got knocked out into the water, only to realize that it was my wake-up call to get my sh*t together.
Whenever the thoughts that I specifically don’t want to think about arise, its equivalent to going through an mini earthquake with multiple relapses and aftershocks. Combine that with being underwater, you would feel turbulence, disorientation, denial and a headache. Its painful but it goes away. You’re left to clean up the mess though.
A blessing though, is my thoughts can be used for partial clairvoyance. I have the ability to predict and see the future based on X,Y,Z. I’m not saying I have a crystal ball, but I do have logic inside me to determine how events may pan out depending on circumstances. Also, my deep thoughts allow me to think about things I’m still trying to seek a solution for, such as my next steps 5 years from now. I don’t know what I want to do, but I do want to buy a house and have friends over, maybe my significant other, who knows?
My thoughts are like the ocean. Calm at one point, and raging at another point. One day you might be part of an Instagram story trying to get likes, and then the next day, it can be underneath you while you are commuting to San Francisco. Last but not least, my thoughts are not leaky because not everything needs to be disclosed, am I right ;)
